Exhaustion

I'm so exhausted. I realized that today as I watched Oliver finally settle down for a nap and I plopped down on our bed. After some interrupted text messages from my phone (must remember to silence it when I nap next time) I didn't really get much of a nap.
I thought I could manage and be superwoman after Oliver was born, but boy oh boy was I in for a shocker! Between the c-section, nursing, moving into a new home, nursing, unpacking, nursing, unpacking, errands to pick up needed items, cleaning, unpacking, nursing, cleaning our old apartment, unpacking here, more cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, unpacking, did I mention nursing?
I feel like I am not catching up on sleep....which means I get grumpy and I hate that. I tend to over-exaggerate when I'm tired, emotionally. Everything seems so much bigger and harder when I'm tired.
Today I just prayed and asked Jesus to hold me up, because I can't do it anymore. Maybe I should have prayed that a long time ago, and maybe I should have listened to more people telling me to take it easy...but it's been hard to do that since there are things that must be done.
Jonah. What a wonderful man. Can I just dote on him for the rest of the day? He has been such a hard working, helpful and loving supportive man. What a wonderful dad he is, and husband to me. He has been breaking his back (is that a phrase?) pulling the load of two or more people. Between all the moving ( he moved us and our neighbor/landlord as part of a deal for us to move earlier and not have to pay extra rent), all the diaper duties, and bringing Oliver to me in the beginning when I couldn't move, and all the unpacking, re arranging, fixing things, mowing our lawn and our neighbor in 100 degree weather, and picking up extra work- which means extra money for us, he has been so strong and helpful and I'm so very very thankful for him. I feel horrible when I have a grumpy butt attitude, and then I complain. Then I feel horrible again. I just need to stop and breathe and realize the unpacking and last little things (shelf hanging, painting etc.) will still be there ready for us when we get to it. No hurry. I just have to tell myself no hurry. Nevermind if I wanted to host a gathering here this month- guess I can push it to next month. Nevermind my family is coming here in August. Nevermind I start back in work in August. Nevermind our schedule is about to completely change with us both going to work again.
Sigh, trying not to get overwhelmed here.
I know now why they say the first few months are so exhausting....

Okay I have kept a semi private blog throughout my pregnancy and I just went back and read a post that really encouraged me, it's amazing to think back to those preggo days and realize how quickly the time is flying by now that our precious boy is here in our arms. Here's the post from May 1- almost a month before he was born:

SATURDAY, MAY 1, 2010

into the world

It was another night of little sleep for me. So I finally ended up getting up around 7 this morning on a Saturday. I was looking through photoshoots of professional newborn photographers and it struck me that Jonah and I are going through the easy part right now as we prepare for our baby's birth. I'm sad in a way that he will be born- as funny as that sounds, because he will then be out here in this big world. A scary world, but lovely too. It's then the real work begins. No more concerns over coordinated bedding and cute little clothes, how to swaddle, or where we will set up the crib. It's time to start training our son, leading him and showing him how much God loves him.
My what a big responsibility that is. I love our son, with all his little movements and his unknown face. I love him for how safe and warm he is right now, and I'm thinking ahead to when he will be here. No longer in the womb and I wonder if it's normal to feel a sense of loss, that he will no longer be with me in that sense again. I can only pray for God's presence throughout the birth and next phase of our life. That He fills me again- not to be pregnant right away, but to be ready to train up our son.
So many emotions are present in a pregnancy it can be overwhelming. Overwhelmed at how much I can love him and he's not here yet. Will we be good parents? I don't doubt that, I know we will love him and care for him to the best of our ability. Jonah is such a good husband and friend, I know he will be an amazing father. We have the capability to love so strongly- because God loves us. He is the only one that can fill us with what we need, so we can give that back.
So I'll wait to welcome our son into this world,  into our arms, and hearts and I'll treasure the days, as I know they will pass so quickly, much like the past 9 months!