My what a reminder I have had of that this morning. As we stopped by our caregivers home and dropped off Oliver, I swallowed tears as I told her all about his schedule. As I kissed his sweet face goodbye and turned to leave, oh how it hurt. I felt like I was betraying him in a weird way. Turning my back on him, handing him off. And my heart cried, " I'm not handing you off sweet boy, I love you so very much and I want to keep you with me, I want to hold you close to my heart and smell your sweet head and hear your little coos,and squeeze you and love you."
But I was brave...
for all of thirty seconds once we got in the car. Jonah turned to me and saw my scrunched face and said, "It's okay, it's okay to cry". And I did. I cried and hurt and sat quietly in the car thinking of our boy, getting farther and farther away from us as we drove to work.
In all of this I got angry. Why God? Why can't I be home with him? Is this the answer we've been praying for?
And I was discouraged, which snowballed into a lack of hope. Hopeless that we will ever be able to afford for me to be home.
And then I read my massive amounts of email waiting for me patiently on my computer.
And here's something I read in one of my daily devotionals:
God is honored when His people give back to Him what He has given them.
And I stopped and read it again. How tightly have I been holding onto Oliver? Pretty dang tight.
This is not the first time I've been reminded of this. Just last night I was mindful of this as well. I realized that we have not dedicated our son to God. The One who made him. The One who gave him to us.
And it's not so much the time or age that bother me, but the heart of the matter. Am I holding so tightly to him that I am not trusting God to take care of Oliver? Do I think I'm the only one that can care and love and teach Oliver?
I know my heart says, yes it's up to you, your his mom! But I also know my carnal flesh wants to be selfish and find a way to do everything my way, or the highway.
So here I come back to the simple little word again- trust.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thine ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.
This verse was also in one of my readings. Hmm. Do you think maybe there's a theme here that keeps being repeated to me?
Trust, trust,trust.
So back to the picture above...I had pulled up Etsy to check on my shop, and that little image was on the first page. I don't even know what the item is or who the seller is, but my eyes fell on that one little word again, trust. And my heart moved, a little of rebellion- maybe I don't want to trust. And a little out of weariness, I need to trust.
And I know deep down what I have to do. Trust in my Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my understandings....like having to work right now, and having some one else watch Oliver...in all my ways acknowledge Him...am I really doing this in all my ways? and He shall direct my paths.
Wow it's a powerful verse and I am finding myself winding it in and out in my mind, like a fine thread woven across fabric. So many things to learn, and from one verse. My heart just cries out now to God, for forgiveness of not trusting, for leaning on our own understanding instead of His, and for not acknowledging Him in all my ways, including caring for Oliver.
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