Tomorrow looms in front of me. Tomorrow I go to work. Tomorrow Oliver will go to someone else's house. My heart lurches...can it do that? I can taste the tears of having to say goodbye to him in the early morning hours, knowing someone else will be watching him coo, watching him smile and laugh, listening to him eat hungrily and watch his little toes flex and move as he eats.
Someone else will be smelling his sweet head, feeling his downy hair, so soft and whispery thin, but so velvety soft.
Tomorrow I'll be back to work, back to my computer, back to my desk, back to my chair and back to the busy work world. But I'll be missing my boy.
My work is truly now just that, work.
It's a means to and end, and the end is getting paid.
Oh my heart hurts for the time I'll be away from our boy. Will he miss me? Will he wonder where his mama is? Will he cry waiting for me to pick him up and snuggle him and tell him I'm there and it's okay?
Oh, please I hope he doesn't cry out for me, it's more than I can take to think about that.
Is this the right decision? Right now I can say my heart screams NO, keep that boy with you, raise him up to be a strong and loving man.
But I don't see another choice right now. If ever there was a wall to hit, I feel I'm hitting mine now. Nowhere else to turn, Oh Lord is there any other way? Will this truly get easier?
Do I really want it to get easier?
1 comment:
Praying for you RIGHT NOW! My time is coming near for these same thoughts and feelings! We can do it! Much love!
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