Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I was home today with Oliver, and I love love love being home with him! I'm so very thankful for the two days a week I get to stay home with our boy. I work the other three, then of course have weekends off, so all in all it's not that bad.
Anyways, we had a marvelous day together and I introduced him to some nursery rhyme songs, which are surprisingly easy to sing along to, and surprisingly easy to dance and make a fool of yourself to...Well I don't think Oliver thought me a fool, but he did enjoy the show, and smiled and smiled.
I spent some time cleaning and doing the necessary things that make me feel better and settled about our home like laundry, empty dishwasher, clean bathroom etc. good stuff I know, but in between that I checked email and facebook, and went on rabbit trails online, which is all too easy to do.
I checked out some friends photos and found myself pretty impressed and slightly jealous of some nursery pictures. Okay so I know it's wrong to be jealous and I got over myself after a while.
Here we are finally moved into our very first house and I still haven't completed our boy's nursery.
Okay so we haven't completed all the rooms yet, including our own.
So what's the hold up?
Well, work, having an infant, and not being moved in all that long is the holdup. That and money of course. We don't have extra money for decorative items or cans of paint or curtains...it's a lot more space to fill up than an apartment. But I'm not worried about filling it up with stuff, rather I'd just like to finish putting up what we do have. Our frames and decorative items, that are waiting for us stacked up by the wall. We know it's a lot to hang stuff so we've been saving that for last.
Back to the nursery. So I decided that I'm going to finish Oliver's room, and I'm so very excited about it. I have secretly dreamed about decorating a nursery for years, and I can't believe I haven't completed it yet. You think I would jump at the chance to design one!
Lack of sleep is a big factor, I seem to lose my creative ambition when I'm tired, and lately I'm wondering what it feels like to not be tired...when did I actually sleep through the night and then some?? Seems like a lifetime ago!!
I spent some time browsing through some websites and I can say I'm utterly inspired! We already have his crib, bedding, furniture and closet all set up and organized. I just want to finish painting his furniture, and hanging his stuff on the walls. Maybe finding a lamp and small throw rug too. I'd love to get a shaggy style for when he's sitting up and can enjoy the texture of it. I'd also love to squeeze in a chair in his room, a rocking one, but I don't think there's room...maybe in the guest bedroom next door.
But I'm so thrilled to start this project. I am working on a sewing project just for him with his name, I'll have to post pictures of, so it's a start at least.
Then I'll work on our room....Or I'll include our room while I take on the nursery. I am just excited and inspired to add all the touches that make our house our home!

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Here's our Oliver 10 weeks old, discovering his fist! It's so much fun to watch him learn new things.
He also made another milestone at 10 weeks, and slept through the night! I'm so proud of our boy!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Back at work

I'm back to work again. I had a nice break with my family in town and it was so nice to be home with them. It was wonderful not to have to drop off our sweet son either! I can honestly say last week it was a little easier to drop him off on Wednesday, but maybe because I knew I'd be home with him until this Wednesday. Needless to say this morning it WAS NOT easy. I felt the sadness creep in again, and I felt the sting of tears again. Once more I headed to work determined to work hard towards our goal of me being home with him.
I honestly know that I do enjoy having a work life. BUT I don't enjoy dropping off our boy. So what's the perfect world? To have him with me and work. I'm not sure if I would be as productive....I wonder abou that. So it leads me to praying for the right situation. Right now I know this is the right decision, I have peace about it, even though it does hurt. I honestly know it's the right thing right now. And isn't that how we go along in life? Praying for the right decision at the moment we need it, not worrying about tomorrow and what it will hold. I think God reveals the now instead of the later because He knows it's all we can handle.
I'm excited as I look towards the future to see what God has in store for us. He knows our goals and dreams and He is the only one that knows my true heart. What is even more exciting is that all the dreams I have now may change into something even more wonderful as I give them over to Him and watch it all unfold.
So I'm holding onto Him to get me through and staying busy busy in the meantime.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

10 weeks

My how much can happen by week 10! We've really seen such a change in Oliver this past week, week number 10. He's so much more active, and talking more and more. It makes us smile to see how much he's growing.
My family came to visit us this past week and we had such a nice time introducing them to little Oliver and visiting with them. It's been about a year since I've seen them, including my nephew. My nephew has grown so much too! I saw him at 4 months and now he's huge at 17 months, and so busy! Kind of gave us a preview of what to expect in the next year!
We had so much fun catching up though, and watching the little ones interact.
While we were at Cracker Barrel for dinner last night, Oliver made another milestone marker. He was sitting there in his little car seat and we looked over and saw him with his little fist in the air with his gaze focused completely on it. Just watching it move. It was so adorable to see him finally notice his very own fist, and so funny! He just kept staring at it and moving it, then would drop it down and forget, only to go back and do it again later.
I'm sure this is probably not exciting stuff to those that have several children, but going through these milestones with our own baby is so much fun!! It's amazing to see them grow and realize how very quickly it happens.
He also sat in his bumbo for the first time and sat up like a champ. No problem for him! He was talking up a storm tonight and making us laugh. We have a feeling there will be many more nights like these to come.
So milestones for 10 weeks:
discovered fist
talking and cooing more and more
sitting up straighter
first tear!
slept through the night!

Friday, August 6, 2010


Do you see it? The little square picture that has the word "trust".
My what a reminder I have had of that this morning. As we stopped by our caregivers home and dropped off Oliver, I swallowed tears as I told her all about his schedule. As I kissed his sweet face goodbye and turned to leave, oh how it hurt. I felt like I was betraying him in a weird way. Turning my back on him, handing him off.  And my heart cried, " I'm not handing you off sweet boy, I love you so very much and I want to keep you with me, I want to hold you close to my heart and smell your sweet head and hear your little coos,and squeeze you and love you."
But I was brave...
for all of thirty seconds once we got in the car. Jonah turned to me and saw my scrunched face and said, "It's okay, it's okay to cry". And I did. I cried and hurt and sat quietly in the car thinking of our boy, getting farther and farther away from us as we drove to work.
In all of this I got angry. Why God? Why can't I be home with him? Is this the answer we've been praying for?
And I was discouraged, which snowballed into a lack of hope. Hopeless that we will ever be able to afford for me to be home.
And then I read my massive amounts of email waiting for me patiently on my computer.
And here's something I read in one of my daily devotionals:
God is honored when His people give back to Him what He has given them.
And I stopped and read it again. How tightly have I been holding onto Oliver? Pretty dang tight.
This is not the first time I've been reminded of this. Just last night I was mindful of this as well. I realized that we have not dedicated our son to God. The One who made him. The One who gave him to us.
And it's not so much the time or age that bother me, but the heart of the matter. Am I holding so tightly to him that I am not trusting God to take care of Oliver? Do I think I'm the only one that can care and love and teach Oliver?
I know my heart says, yes it's up to you, your his mom! But I also know my carnal flesh wants to be selfish and find a way to do everything my way, or the highway.
So here I come back to the simple little word again- trust.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thine ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.
This verse was also in one of my readings. Hmm. Do you think maybe there's a theme here that keeps being repeated to me?
Trust, trust,trust.
So back to the picture above...I had pulled up Etsy to check on my shop, and that little image was on the first page. I don't even know what the item is or who the seller is, but my eyes fell on that one little word again, trust. And my heart moved, a little of rebellion- maybe I don't want to trust. And a little out of weariness, I need to trust.
And I know deep down what I have to do. Trust in my Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my understandings....like having to work right now, and having some one else watch Oliver...in all  my ways acknowledge Him...am I really doing this in all my ways? and He shall direct my paths.
Wow it's a powerful verse and I am finding myself winding it in and out in my mind, like a fine thread woven across fabric. So many things to learn, and from one verse. My heart just cries out now to God, for forgiveness of not trusting, for leaning on our own understanding instead of His, and for not acknowledging Him in all my ways, including caring for Oliver.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Back to work, oh my heart...

Tomorrow looms in front of me. Tomorrow I go to work. Tomorrow Oliver will go to someone else's house. My heart lurches...can it do that? I can taste the tears of having to say goodbye to him in the early morning hours, knowing someone else will be watching him coo, watching him smile and laugh, listening to him eat hungrily and watch his little toes flex and move as he eats.
Someone else will be smelling his sweet head, feeling his downy hair, so soft and whispery thin, but so velvety soft.
Tomorrow I'll be back to work, back to my computer, back to my desk, back to my chair and back to the busy work world. But I'll be missing my boy.
My work is truly now just that, work.
It's a means to and end, and the end is getting paid.
Oh my heart hurts for the time I'll be away from our boy. Will he miss me? Will he wonder where his mama is? Will he cry waiting for me to pick him up and snuggle him and tell him I'm there and it's okay?
Oh, please I hope he doesn't cry out for me, it's more than I can take to think about that.
Is this the right decision? Right now I can say my heart screams NO, keep that boy with you, raise him up to be a strong and loving man. 
But I don't see another choice right now. If ever there was a wall to hit, I feel I'm hitting mine now. Nowhere else to turn, Oh Lord is there any other way? Will this truly get easier?
Do I really want it to get easier?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

two months

can't get enough of these tiny hands...

our sweet boy.

was trying to take a nap, and mom kept taking pictures!
can't get enough of these toes...
can you stay this tiny forever, so I can keep kissing these tiny delicious little feet?